Cllr Richard Wilson: wondering in the Wasteland

April is The Cruelest Month, as TS Eliot informs us, and Cllr. Richard Wilson is the Glummest Councillor. Cllr Wilson is again in his local newspaper in a story complaining that Haringey has been turned into a “Wasteland” because the council is changing to fortnightly bin-collections in some areas.

As this image so clearly conveys Cllr Wilson is a tidy man - with a tidy mind and a tidy beard - but he is so very desperately upset at the squalor, vermin, and health hazards  caused by a couple of days extension of the collection cycle. 

As TS Eliot so aptly put it “I will show you fear in a handful of dust”.

News this week that its possible to buy a seat at the most exclusive dinner table in Downing Street for a six figure sum have prompted Glum Councillors to have another go at this…

Glum Councillor -Happy Meal
In this image we see Dudley Councillor Michael Evans in what at first appears to be an advertisement for a “cash-for-nosh” offer. The Big Meal Deal - presumably carries a big price ticket.

Cllr Evans - no stranger to big meals himself - is looking surprisingly smiley given that he is in fact promoting a worthwhile voluntary sector scheme to provide food to hungry kids during school holidays - kids who normally get free school meals but whose families are unable to afford to provide sustenance in the holiday period.

So here is the deal  - individuals, businesses and organisations are asked to donate food at collection points including Schools, Children’s Centres and Libraries … where they still exist. Remarkably the scheme is supported by Barclays - this PR gesture appears to be pretty thin gruel … if Barclays had paid all the tax they were due someone could have bought several truckloads of Turkey Twizzlers.

I can think of several Glum Councillors who could easily fore go a happy meal or two and one or two bankers who, having gorged themselves with their snouts in the trough, probably don’t need another dinner. But there is no such thing as a free lunch - except of course when you ask already hard-pressed public minded citizens to pay for it instead of supporting the most vulnerable children out of fairly collected taxation.

So … do you want some more…?

Councillors intent on protest

Lord Mayor of Exeter Cllr Stella Brock and Cllr Phil Brock have decided to join with the 99% and take a lead in bringing down the capitalist system. They have taken up residence in in a tented city, Occupy Exeter, outside the Cathedral.

Dressed in their camp finest this couple of elected officials know what democracy looks like and are used to “canvassing”. If I am reading it right the Local Newpaper picture shows the local vicar asking them to end the protest - he has threatened to resign if they don’t move on.

Wuthering Heights

Out on the wiley, windy moors Cllr John Huxley chair of Haworth Parish Council makes a convincing Heathcliffe as he gazes wistfully through the mist. The Boundary Commission proposals to change Parliamentary contituencies across the country appear to be sinking in.

In a bold, innovative, resounding and powerful polemic oration Cllr Huxley declaims to the Keighly News “I’m not sure I like the sound of this.“

His incisive analysis is matched by Oxenhope Parish Council vice-chairman, Cllr Tony Maw who lays out his crystal clear thought: “It does strike me as odd … As for what the exact implications for Oxenhope would be, we’ll have to look at that and we will be talking about it as a parish council at some point in the future. We need to see what the people of Oxenhope make of this and whether it will make that much of a difference to the parish.”

Perhaps even worse than sounding like like a rambler without a compass Shipley MP Philip Davis weighs in with a chilling statement “Many of my constituents will be unhappy about how they are being carved up and put in other areas where they do not have an affinity with.”

We have no evidence of any constituent being carved up … but should it occur perhaps the local constabulary will know whereabouts on the moors to look for the bodies.

Lets soothe the troubled scene with a quote from Kate Bush and the lyrics to her famous interpretation of the Bronte Classi:

Bad dreams in the night
They told me I was going to lose the fight
Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights

(Chorus) Heathcliff, its me, Cathy come home
I’m so cold, let me in-a-your window

Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely
On the other side from you
I pine alot,

Cllr Vic Tonks

No .. that’s not a verb… that’s his name and it is indeed amongst the finest names of any of the councillors we have met so far (…although he recently lost his seat on Telford and Wrekin Council in the recent elections).

Cllr Tonks showed concern at the cracked and crumbling car-park paving, blaming shoddy workmanship and poor materials for the situation according to the Shropshire Star

Councillor Tonks is seen here pointing to a piece of paving that resembles a map of the holiday island paradise of Lanzarote  - a destination he is already dressed for in his natty t-shirt, chain-store slacks and stylish loafers  - now he has more time on his hands we wish Cllr Vic Tonks all the best on his holidays.

OK … its been a while … but as there are so many Glum Councillors across the UK today …. lets have another go at this.

So let’s meet Nottingham’s Cllr Gary Long who was surprised by a tumbling lamp post whilst out delivering leaflets. Cllr Gary above is pictured above in his running kit (my guess is that it has rarely been used for it’s stated purpose). Presumably the sporty outfit will allow him to make a quick getaway should another calamity arise…

No stranger to danger Cllr Gary reveals “I frequently get attacked by letterboxes and am not keen on big dogs but I have never been attacked by a lamp post before,”. According to the Nottingham Post Cllr Gary says “It fell right from the base. They’ve got reinforced steel holding them up but that had rotted through.”

Perhaps those big dogs Gary mentions may have found another way to get to him?

Many thanks to @NCCLois for the spot

Gum Councillors - something to chew over.

In a textbook pointing squat Cllr Alan Dean tells the Herts and Essex Observer that  “Station Road is particularly blighted by gum blots” His tongue twisting tantrum is by no means a solo voice. Many Gum Councillors across the country are enraged by sticky blots on the landscape.

So, what better than a public awareness campaign - for all those members of the public who were hitherto not aware of … err …gum? … pavements? ..chewing? … anyway Jovial Bristolian Cllr Gary Hopkins demonstrates the seriousness of the issue by declaring “Zero Tolerance” and posing in this startling image. (For which I am grateful to a Twitter correspondent @BristolRed whose name I have mislaid.)

Cllr Gary is the serious looking one in the middle.

Apparently Bristol is one of 12 cities across the country that have joined together for this year’s annual campaign by the Chewing Gum Action Group - demonstrating at least that the anticipated Bonfire of the Quangoes is not yet burning as brightly as some may have feared.

If public awareness is not the answer how about offering an alternative method of disposal? Last year Harlow Council set up these gum disposal points introduced by a jolly bunch of Cllrs as part of the Harlow “Together we can … Clean up our Town” campaign.

Yes that’s right “Together we Can … Clean Up our Town” what a triumph of marketing - some junior PR officer arrived at work after the US election fired up by the eloquent oratory of the first black US president. He decided to take the soaring, world-changing, inspirational rhetoric of President Obama and applied it to …dog-fouling, discarded fried chicken, fag-ends and gum spat into the gutter … Ahh well - give them enough hope…

… to be continued

Who’s the Councillor in the black? It’s Cllr Brian Wild

To celebrate the opening day of world cup 2010 meet Cllr Brian Wild, not only a councillor but also a football referee, to boot (recently retired).

His hobby proved too tempting to resist for the bright young things in Municipal Marketing who persuaded Cllr Wild to pose for an advertising campaign showing the red card to dog owners who let their pets foul the borough’s pavements. (No Fouling! … geddit!)

In addition to a Glum Councillor … the picture includes a Bonus Glum Dog.

Cllr Karney and the Canal clean-up

Cllr Pat Karney recently took part in a clear-up of the Rochdale Canal in central Manchester. In this local newspaper picture he glumly shows his disapointment that the old bottle of Wilson’s brown ale he retrieved from the waterway is empty.

Cllr Karney, impeccably attired in a suit and tie to dredge the canal, is a dignified no-nonsense sort of chap … you know whre you are with Cllr Karney - you may not have a paddle … but you know where you are!

Aiming High: Cllr David Christian and Cllr Ritchie McNicholl.

Last months General Election whilst interesting for many reasons gave a particular insight into the arcane art of municipal marketing. Up and down the country Returning Officers posed in front of hastily constructed backdrops featuring a comittee-written slogan extolling the particular virtues of their region. We all remember that Glasgow’s_miles better Sheffield was the Steel City (now, post-Full Monty steal city perhaps?). These purple prose aspirational vision statements have been skillfully analysed elsewhere. Various regions attempt to associate themselves with a particular local creative talent “Constable Country"  "Shakespeare Country” etc.

These efforts to engender an aspirational identity are a laudable attempt to provide an uplifting boost to a locality… but I can’t help thinking Cllr Christian and Cllr McNicholl of Douglas on the Isle of Man have not quite grasped the concept. Here they are seen proudly revealing their corporate call to action: “Don’t Let Douglas Become an Ashtray”

Go for it Cllrs …. Aim High!

Cllr Rofique Ahmed, Cllr Mohammed Shahid and Cllr Lutfur Rahman Raise a flag… but can’t raise a smile.

Big news yesterday was the launch of the new mascots for the London Olympics “Wenlocke” and “Mandeville” looking like a CGI vesion of “Nick” and “Dave”. Here we see an earlier launch this time of the Olympic Flag in the east London Borough of Tower Hamlets.

Citius, Altius, Fortius, Latin for “Faster, Higher, Stronger” is the Motto of the Olympics and This new story has three councillors who were models for mascots that didn’t make the shortlist  Gloomius, Grumpius, Glumius.

Have the Docklands Newspaper journalists been reading a blog close to here?

Vote Now or forever hold your piece Peace

Election Day in the UK will see many more Glum Councillors and Parliamentary election candidates than succesful ones. That is the nature of our democracy. Energetic, committed citizens who believe they have something to offer in the service of their community put themselves forward to be chosen by the electorate.

Many will be succesful more will not. Individually we may not agree with all those who are elected and we may not be happy with the job they are doing - but we will have another opportunity at the next election to vote for someone else.

This blog has had great fun pricking the bubble of pomposity and gently chiding our elected representatives. However all this irreverent nonsense is only possible - or entertaining - because we have a secure democratic base. This is the UK - not Zimbabwe, Iran, Afghanistan or any of the other precariously poised political systems where voters fight and die for the rght to participate.

So … no funny councillors today - no pictures of pompous pointing at potholes or grumbling about graffiti - just a plea. If you are elegible to vote get out and use it. Vote for any party you believe is standing on a genuine democratic platform with an intention to represent all of their local constituents…

…and, if you dont vote - dont come back to this blog. You won’t be welcome. We only earn the right to critisise, complain and poke fun at our leaders if we participate in the process of electing them.

Glum Gutter Squatters

MEMO: Generic Template for Blog Post / local newspaper: edit as appropriate:

The UK has witnessed one of the worst winters in living memory with a result that several road surfaces have been badly affected … but none more than [Insert name of road in Marginal Ward here].

Our specific roads here in [obscure town] have been in a terrible state for [select from 5, 13, 30] years as a direct result of the incompetence, neglect and mis-management of [insert name of political opponent here - usually, but not exclusively, current incumbent]

I am pleased to report that my [letter/ petition/ blog-post/ tweet/funny-look/ walk-about/newspaper story] has had an immediate impact and resulted in [revolutionary new technological solution/ a man and shovel giving it a once-over/ nothing tangible/ world peace]

[Include bit about concerned local resident working for you - doing what is right for local community etc etc  just tidy up the edits before publishing - Vote for Me! kthksbai ]

Glum Councillors be careful when you are squatting in the gutter  - you never know what might be coming round the corner… Oh yes, there it is … I can see now … Its an election. To Be Continued … repeatedly …until May 6th

 Salford’s Cllr Steve Middleton (below) has a nice line about repairs not meeting “intervention criteria” a measure he might usefully apply to his own activity … so close to an election.  

Also from Salford Cllr John Deas and Cllr Norman Owen (above) get their shiny shoes dirty at a local news photo opportunity  where Cllr Owen says in the same statement, both: “Nothing has been done” and that potholes have been “repaired time and time again” succesfully managing to disagree with himself before taking another breath.

Whilst these illustrative images are from Salford,  many, many, many more photographs are available in a local newspaper near you… if you see any let me know!